Myth of gay sexual compatibility and the price to pay for sexual rigidity for tops and bottoms in gay dating and gay relationships.

Quick Preview:

  • How to understand where gay sexual compatibility comes from.
  • How to open up about choices for sexual partners.
  • Why gay men pay a price for sexual rigidity.
  • Why character is more important than sexual compatibility.
  • How sexual compatibility is impossible when taken seriously.

Paul’s comments:

Gay sexual compatibility is hurting gay men faster than cheating. In a world of top and bottom – we are more separated than ever before. Let’s take a look at new perspectives and see what can happen if we reduce sexual rigidity.

I truly believe that looking for sexual compatibility has nothing to do with sexual compatibility but it has everything to do with the desire to feel comfortable, validated and accepted. I think that the reason why gay men are looking for sexual compatibility is because they are looking to reduce uncertainty, abandonment and rejection when meeting others. Because sexual connection is the easiest to experience, given the time and effort involved, it kidnaps the process of connecting and gives an illusion of a connection.

Did you know that sexual compatibility for gay men is impossible?

Many gay men are talking about sexual compatibility “I am a top looking for a bottom” or “I am a bottom looking for a top” without realizing that sexual compatibility is impossible. In this video let me share with you a new perspective.

I think that the reason why gay men are looking for sexual compatibility is because they are looking to reduce uncertainty, abandonment and rejection when meeting others. Because sexual connection is the easiest to experience, given the time and effort involved, it kidnaps the process of connecting and gives an illusion of a connection. I truly believe that looking for sexual compatibility has nothing to do with sexual compatibility but it has everything to do with the desire to feel comfortable, validated and accepted.

Most gay men live in a homophobic environment and instant acceptance via “sexual compatibility” is a powerful asylum from the harsh world of rejection. And the fastest way to get validated and feel good is when the “top and bottom or bottom and top” connection happens, but in the long run there is a very big price to pay for that.

Sexuality is a complex and a vast area of study. It’s like an ocean. To sail the ocean, it takes years of study. Experts in sexuality are called sexologists and they take years to study sexuality and still come across uncertainty and socially conditioned dilemmas. So if sexologists study sexuality for decades and still come across surprises, imagine how much confusion about sexuality exists in gay community? It’s easy to understand why there is so much confusion and misunderstanding about sex in the gay community, especially if we have “the blind following the blind” about sex issues.

So those gay men who never studied sexuality, will resort to certain simplistic behaviors including asking for sexual compatibility instead of looking for a comprehensive match. Before I studied sexuality I was just like that – I was looking for a total top and this is what I wanted and nothing else mattered. And I quickly learned that even if I met the perfect sexual “total top” that the relationships experienced big challenges for lots of other reasons. And interestingly enough – the man I loved most was a man that was a bottom.

During my coaching and studying of gay issues over the past 7 years, I discovered that the more I focus on sexual compatibility, the more I prevent myself from meeting gay men who can be really good for me in other areas of life: health, business, and spirituality to name a few. So if I am focusing on sexual compatibility I have fewer number of gay men available. Becoming flexible about sexual habits made so much more sense to me because it substantially increases the chances to meet amazing men for friendships and romantic relationships.

Here is a fact of life:

In life and gay relationships, we want gay men with good character. Whether they are sexual compatible or not it doesn’t really matter. Also, if we are really conscious and aware, sexual compatibility doesn’t make sense because there are hundreds of sexual behaviors possible in the bedroom and no one will give you everything you want anyway and just one behavior of penetration is one behavior out of hundreds of behaviors that can happen when you are naked with another man.

So when you catch yourself that you really desire sexual compatibility, I have a few questions, or a few suggestions for you. How about you ask yourself:

What is it that you really want?

Are you looking for the penetration, or do you want him to spend the night and give you a nice cuddle and maybe have breakfast with him the following day?

What’s more important?

And I think this is where we will really get to the core issue of why you may be sticking to your rigid sexual choices. Hear me out…
Perhaps there is some addiction, some sexual addiction going on instead of looking at what really makes you happy. Is sexual compatibility making you happy or the following: when he hugs you, caresses you, when you watch the movie naked and afterwards you cuddle up, when he spends the night and the following morning you go to church, then breakfast and coffee together?

Doesn’t that sound a lot better than just having the penetration?

Haven’t you found that often when someone is so focused on penetration that afterwards he probably has someone else he will be penetrating or asking someone else to penetrate him the next day? Aren’t you tired of the perpetual cycle of new people showing up in your life and yet you not receiving the cuddle, the touch and emotional connection that you desire?

When you really think about it, sexual compatibility is kind of silly – a game we play with one another and the moment you relax learn more about sexuality, which by the way – I highly recommend you take some courses or read some books about sexuality; you will discover that you can be touched hundreds of ways that give you pleasure and you can touch another man in hundreds of ways that give him pleasure. But it will take a little bit of awareness and learning on your part about how to do that.

The popular culture of gay hookups: Craigslist, Grindr, Growlr, Scruff, Manhunt, Daddyhunt and others invite you and seduce you via the impulses that are based on very limited understanding of sexuality.

And remember that “sexual compatibility” is a shallow process that does not require growth, and learning and as time passes, will leave you and your partner without a flexible character that ensures commitment, monogamy and relationship stability. Character will be a lot more difficult to develop when you are both rigid sexually.

For example, you can look at me right now and you might say:

“I like Paul and he is a handsome guy – but what if he is a total bottom or total top and we are not compatible?”

All of a sudden you’d lose the opportunity to interact with me one-on-one because you have this preconceived notion that I have to perform a certain penetration with you or for you or allow you to penetrate me for you to be happy and satisfied!

And that would take away the opportunity to have lots of fun together – doing a lot of sporting events together, going out and having lots of fun at museums, going out for a walk, going out to the beach, going to the coffee shop, reading a book together and many others. So the sexual compatibility would mess the “whole thing” up.

So I hope that you are seeing that sexual compatibility stands in the way – it stands in the way between you and I and takes away the excitement that we could share together.

Just imagine how much more fun, how much more excitement how much more joy you are going to have when you let go of the sexual compatibility and introduce more flexibility and more awareness of different ways of receiving pleasure in sexuality and also maybe adjusting your perspective, maybe catching yourself in a certain sexual addiction – catching yourself in a certain old-fashioned way of looking at people.

As the years pass you by, you want to build new friendships and relationships that last and when they last, they last not because of sexual compatibility – they last because the men you meet have a strong and flexible character, because these gay men genuinely care about you and because these men are loving and carrying deep in their hearts. If you put the sexual compatibility block between you and them, you are actually giving up experiencing hundreds of extraordinary, joyful, happy, loving moments with them.

Let me ask you this:

Think about a moment in childhood with a friend when you felt completely yourself, you felt so happy, you felt so immersed in joy. Think about that moment and remember how you didn’t care about sexual compatibility.

You can bring that joy into your present and future exactly the same way – you can re-experience that freedom to be yourself and bring out the happiness and joy when you remove that one thing that will stand in the way – sexual compatibility.

Allow yourself to look for not having to have sexual compatibility so that you can grow with the person that is your lover without easy solutions that retard character development and growth. And of course so that you don’t eliminate people that could really make a difference in your life – just like if I met you in person, we may not be sexually compatible if you use that old fashioned mindset and you’d have given up on all kinds of value I would bring to your life and vice versa and if I used the old fashioned mindset of sexual compatibility and if you would not be compatible with me, I would be giving up on all the joy, all the amazing things that we could be doing together.

So let’s remove the sexual compatibility mindset and from today on, look for people that will make you feel good and happy outside of the bedroom and in the bedroom learn more about sexuality – learn more about tantric sex, take some of my courses or read other people’s courses and discover that there are hundreds of things you can do in the bedroom and you can recreate your sexual compatibility with a different partner in a different way each time and it becomes a wonderful process of self-discover growth and setting yourself free from the prison of sexual compatibility.

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