Today we will discuss the concept of gay marriage in a way that will help you understand what it takes to succeed, how to achieve stability, and how to win the game of TOGETHER FOREVER.
Those of you who are single or those of you who are coupled, you will both benefit from learning about the reality of gay marriage.
What needs to happen so that your marriage lasts forever?
What needs to happen so that you have stability in your future marriage?
I am also going to dispel one of the biggest myths about gay marriage, and we will talk about a certain pattern that has to play itself out before a man is ready for marriage.
THE BIG MYTH
So the first thing is the dispelling of the myth – the myth that marriage gives you freedom, that a serious relationship is actually giving you more choices, more freedom for you to be who you want to be.
And that is not accurate.
In fact, when we look at the serious nature of marriage and relationships that have an ingredient of monogamy, commitment, and trust – it is actually a narrowing down – it is a narrowing down, not an expansion of freedom, it is a narrowing down of freedom.
And so that’s why we call this process domestication.
I am sure you have heard people say – “he is so domesticated – he cooks at home and he cleans the dishes and he vacuums the carpet” – we laugh about the “domestication” hinting at the restriction of “being a man”.
But there is a psychological equivalent of the domestication where the man leaves behind his wilderness, his animalism, his primal drives so that now he is ready to enter into a partnership.
Ideally, before the domestication process, his primal drives, the wilderness, and the animalism have been expressed already throughout the experimentation of sexuality, emotional integration of the shadow and identity level integration of authenticity.
Now, I call these different psychological patterns using the words completion because these patterns have to come out of us (get completed), the experimentation has to happen otherwise we cannot narrow down our options because we always wonder “what if I want something else?”.
What does it take for us to narrow down our options, to be monogamous, to be committed?
We will need to taste the variety of partners, sexual habits, emotional ups and downs and so on.
Unless we discover these things for ourselves, those cravings, and impulses will come back and interrupt stability, intercept trust and make marriage quite difficult.
So those of you who are looking to get married, it is very important that you remind yourself that this is a psychological process. It is a journey of narrowing, not expansion, and that one of the two partners has to be in a space of completion sexually, emotionally and on an identity level.
So sexually, it means that experimentation has taken place. On identity level so that there is no question about authenticity – the man has been out of the closet for many years – there is no judgment, there is no shame, there is no internalized homophobia and on an emotional level so that there is this integration of an openness of the heart.
Sometimes you have a situation when two men come together – one is completed and the other is not completed – in that situation delay the marriage, stay in the relationship, give your partner his space for sexual exploration, for emotional completion, and for identity completion.
Identity has to be there in an authentic wrapping. He has to be comfortable in his gay skin. He has to be have experienced himself in a lot of different places in social settings, at work – with his friends and family, in an open and authentic fashion.
There is one more ingredient that is very important. And that is the concept of trust.
And trust as that place that gives the partner who has that wilderness inside him, who still has the wilderness in him to melt it away into the container of trust.
In other words, when you talk about marriage and trust, the place of trust is not just there to keep you committed together, it is not just there to solve conflicts and fights, that trust is a sacred space where the wilderness is transferred into.
When you have two men who are both sexually incompleted and who both struggle with emotional expression, the trust container will not be there and so the wild nature of those men cannot be melted down and recycled into an authentic union.
Without the trust container, these men are going to be like wild horses kicking each other in their faces and coming together in a cyclical process, testing each other, causing conflicts and drama.
They know they want to be around each other but they will not be able to melt away the wilderness into the container of the other person presence of trust or the other person cultivation of trust and the relationship will eventually break down.
So, for two men who are like wild horses – it will be difficult to create narrowing down because the trust will not be there inside of which the meltdown of that wilderness can continue.
When one man is completed, he serves as a planet, he creates the trust, he allows the other to be who he wants to be and as time passes by, eventually that wilderness, that animalism gets squeezed out and poured into the trust container and that is how marriage becomes possible.
We don’t want to copy from straight people either. The dynamics between two men and between man and women are very different.
In gay relationships, you are going to come across a higher percentage of stubbornness, certain elements of masculinity that are very rigid in situations where there is lack of completion where the narrowing down cannot happen naturally in the absence of trust.
I say – men in their 20’s and 30’s are not marriage material because we haven’t had enough healthy and authentic culture in the gay community to be able to produce that completion for those men on multiple levels, emotional, sexual, and identity level.
So they can say “I am ready for marriage”, but behind the scenes, the wilderness is still there in the men who are younger.
The lack of identity completion is still there.
The lack of sexual completion is still there.
Most of these men are only one-sided from the personality type perspective – in other words – one may be super logical and the other is the emotional but not logical and the first one is logical but not emotional and so the conflicts inside that marriage will erupt and will be complex and you don’t want to bring those things into marriage.
People over the years, before going into marriage, they have gone into training – they have gone into certifications through the churches, through the spiritual places that they felt safe to get into and to work on themselves because when we think about marriage we are supposed to have a little bit of a serious disposition towards the symbol of it.
Marriage is not like any other relationship – you don’t want to be looking at it that way. Marriage is something very serious.
It is supposed to be serious and we want to keep that standard very high and that’s how we keep the divorces low and that’s how we keep that meaning of what marriage is pretty deep and that’s why and that’s how it becomes something desirable.
When you are at a party with lots of people and you say “I am married” – when people look at you – they are supposed to notice that “you succeeded with that narrowing” of your options.
You chose to go and narrow down your freedoms to be with this person and on a psychological level you have ascended to a different dimension, a different level which makes you a role model for others, which makes you an adult, not a child, which makes you a much more completed person from a psychological perspective and it makes you someone who can now make a difference in the world, where you focus – because you are completed – turns from the relationship into other bigger things in life, making a difference in the community, making a difference in the world, succeeding beyond your wildest imagination because your partner and you are there together in such a strong bond that you help each other make the world a better place – make the community better, become role models for others.
When you are married, you become the expression of a moral vision that others cannot attain because they have not been successful in narrowing themselves down to be able to enter into marriage and then from that place use that as a jump board into a higher level of functioning in the world.
So marriage for gay men is something magical, it will require work, its worth it, its worth it – every gay man should get married, I believe it is our job to learn how to come together in this symbolic fashion because our lives can be a lot more fulfilling, better, happier and our dreams can come true cause when two men come together, miracles can happen. I am inviting all of you to think about marriage in a serious way, its good for you, its good for the community, its good for the world.