Gay friendships are more challenging than others because the sexual hunger that is not satisfied with partners and lovers is transferred into friendships.
Gay shame is also a factor in the difficulties amongst gay men in developing long term friends. The five secret tips that I am going to share with you will help you create long term gay friendships.
The 5 secret tips to lifelong gay friendships are:
Reason & Principles
Social Engagement System
The starting point to becoming a good friend to other gay men is about integrity and loyalty. Nobody is going to want to be around you if you are pulling yourself away, if you are not committed for the long haul to be with this person.
If you want people to consider you as a solid friend, then they have to see that you operate based on thinking and principles AND not based on emotion. Emotion often leads to irrational behavior which triggers the fear of abandonment or rejection for many gay men.
When you act based on emotion, other people will feel insecure around you because there is no stability, no center, no clarity about who you are.
Loyalty and responsibility are going to be difficult to show when you act based on emotion. Many gay men think that having passion and emotion is the best thing in a friendship, but the opposite is necessary if you want to have successful, long-term friendships.
People don’t connect just to connect; people want something from you when they connect with you. They might not say it up front but they want something from you.
Some people want your presence, some people want to be able to open up to you and want your feedback, some want your validation, some want you for your interests, for your hobbies, for your extraordinary passions, your drive for life, your energy, your vision, and all of the things that come with it.
So there’s always going be something that people want you for. But the exchange of these benefits has to be on the tracks of loyalty, responsibility, and integrity.
What is integrity?
Integrity is you keeping your word to yourself, doing the things that you say you want to be doing and acting in accordance with your life’s goals, values and purpose.
So to live in integrity, first you need to have clarity about your values, your goals and your purpose.
Then you need to decide, “These are the steps I’m going to take no matter what,” and as you maintain integrity with these steps, as you maintain integrity to your word, you develop willpower, discipline, and commitment – all three are part of every happy relationship.
You want others to look at you and say: “He is true to his word despite fear, frustration, and disappointment.” I’ve never in my life seen a person who had any problems with friendships in the presence of integrity.
If in the presence of integrity you are not meeting high quality gay men is probably because you are not “putting yourself out there”. Perhaps your social engagement system is lacking. To make good friends, you will need to go through 30-40-50 people in a year’s time. You will need to have a consistent social exposure so that you can meet lots of people in a short amount of time.
Another reason why friendships do not develop is because they take place via texting, they take place online, and you’re really not in close proximity with the other person.
I have found that there’s something special about personal contact; there’s this invisible energy that exchanges between people when they’re in front of each other, this body language that is unavailable when you meet people online, so therefore you cannot really connect deeper with the person.
Friendships are based on close proximity interaction, and if you are relying on online dating, online development of friendships, texting, and if you have friends that you only maintain contact with through email, then it’s unlikely you will ever have in your life a solid social empire, solid friendships, and you’ll always ask yourself, “why are these people not responding to me?”
You have to have this social engagement system; place yourself in front of people and have them see your integrity.
Good friends also are people who are compassionate, loving, and understanding, who are helpful to their friends, to their people, and also, underlying all of that, on top of integrity, who have a sense of giving, where they give, give, and give again.
You need boundaries so that you don’t give to a person who then jumps all over you and causes toxic experiences in your life. You need to have defense systems in place, boundaries within which you are able to give.
So, as you’re seeing, friendships are really not a mystery. Being a good friend is not mysterious, and having friendships and people who are coming closer to you on a regular basis is not a mystery.
There are principles that govern that, that lead to an extraordinary life, you just need to discover these principles and live by them. Gay Life Mastery is about discovering the principles that eventually lead to extraordinary life for gay men. These principles have been around for thousands of years and when you get in contact with them and practice them you will see that everything in your life can unfold beautifully.
So I look forward to sharing with you more about how to experience extraordinary life through Gay Life Mastery and until I talk to you next time go out there, think big, stay present, and be a leader in your life today.