Gay Life Coaching: 3 Areas In Gay Psychology Required For Success.
If you are a gay man over 40, three psychological areas will either break you or make you! Shame, Partner Selection and Social Engagement. If you succeed at those three, the rest should fall into place automatically. Read below and watch the video to find out more.
1. Gay Shame
Gay shame results from exposure to negative messages about gay life. Over the course of ten, twenty, sometimes thirty years you will be exposed to thousands of negative messages about gay identity and gay sexuality coming from lots of places – family, friends, politicians, famous people, religious groups, movies and the typical haters who have nothing else to do but be judgmental of others.
You will store all of those messages in your unconscious mind, eventually internalizing them (making them yours) until you are desensitized to them. Pay attention to what happens next time you hear anti-gay messages. You actually no longer respond because you are desensitized to them -> you say to yourself “why bother, it happens everywhere”.
Let me share with you an example that will illustrate how damaging this is: Let’s say I say something negative about you right now, something really hateful.
You would most likely be offended; you would probably close down this page or video because you would say to yourself: “Why is he criticizing me? I don’t like being criticized.” And that is a normal response.
But notice this: next time somebody says something negative about your gayness, about your gay life, you’re going to completely overlook it almost as if it never happened.
Because it has happened so many times that now it’s actually a part of you and you no longer fight it. That’s why shame is extremely destructive.
And here is what I think is really important for gay men to consider. If you want to be successful in life, if you want to experience love and an extraordinary social life, you have to be aware of how shame will influence your choices for friends and lovers.
All of that shame has to come out; all of the thousands of negative messages about gay life that you’ve been exposed to have to be counteracted with positive messages.
2. Gay Husband Selection
There are multiple dimensions to compatibility. It’s not just his physical appearance; it’s his emotional design, his psychology, and also his cognition, the way he thinks, and there’s one more factor that people forget about…it’s called “The Standard”.
With gay men we also have what’s called The Standard, which is the required level of development of the identity of a gay man at which he is ready to accept love and to give love.
In the presence of shame many gay men are not ready to get love and to give love. You may be really compatible with your date but if he hasn’t healed from shame he will still see himself as unworthy of love and will sabotage the relationship.
I believe that a vast majority of gay relationships end too quickly because of the sabotaging patterns that run inside one of the two partners.
When both people lack “The Standard” there is constant conflict & miscommunication. And that frustration is even bigger because you know you’re compatible but you just can’t make it work.
3. Gay Social Engagement
The third topic of gay psychology that you have to master is Gay Social Engagement. For most gay men this is a very negative experience; they feel rejected, they feel ostracized, they feel like they have to be somebody else in order to fit in.
What I recommend is that you go out there and practice socializing without any outcome attached to it, just go out there and start meeting people and see what happens because as you practice socializing, as you practice being around people, eventually you will get more comfortable and the social anxiety will diminish.
Gay social shame is also a factor in social engagements and events. The shame will stand in the way of making new friends and dates via the process of projection. You will be projecting your self-judgment onto other gay men – finding faults in them and being very judgmental of them. This will separate you from the ability to make new friends and connect with others for dating unless you are aware of how your own gay shame influences your behavior.
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